The Lord allowed Kent and I to get pregnant very quickly, and so after one month of no "golie" we were expecting (TMI..maybe). I know this is a blessing, but my controlling mind immediately begin calculating the due date. I felt like we had made a mistake, I couldn't be due in February! A February due date meant that I would only have 8 or 9 weeks off with my child and then have to return to work to finish out the school year. That was just the first thing that wasn't apart of my plan!
Next, I felt like my body immediately begin to change. I immediately felt chubby and begin to pack on a few pounds (Almost 24 weeks later, it is more than a few!). My plan was to be about 5-10 lbs. lighter when we conceived so that I would be at the lower end of my weight and my pregnancy weight wouldn't be as overwhelming. Once again, this wasn't apart of my plan!
Thirdly, my mind swirled out of control worrying about everything from birth defects, to learning disabilities, to syndromes, and...on and on my worry list went. What if something happens that is not apart of my plan, and our lives are forever shaped and our family has to endure suffering.
My mind was consumed. As I stared off one day while I was supposed to be reading the Word and praying, my eye caught a picture of a clock that we have framed in our livingroom. (I wanted to post a picture of it, but blogger says no image uploads for 2 hours!) The Lord overwhelmingly reminded me that He is outside of time/bigger than time/and lovingly controls all things..even time. Then I turned to Psalm 139:
"For you formed my inward parts;
you knitted me together in my mother's womb.
14 I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. [1]
Wonderful are your works;
my soul knows it very well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you,
when I was being made in secret,
intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
the days that were formed for me,
when as yet there was none of them."
The Lord knew the exact moment that Kent and I would conceive our son. He knew that I would be 5-10 lbs. heavier than I thought I should be. He knew that our son's due date would be in February. And He knows every day that our precious son will walk this earth.
I believe that the Lord is more trustworthy, loving, and good than I can ever fathom. Therefore, I can trust His timing and His perfect/loving plan for our son's life and my life.
As Lauren Chandler wrote on her blog:
The lie is this: God is not good and He does not want my good.
This is the lie that tripped up Eve in the garden. This is the lie that has plagued humankind ever since. This is the lie the Father exposed through His Son on the cross. "Greater love has no one than this, than to lay his life down for his friends." How can we not see through this lie? "What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare His own Son but gave Him up for us all, how will he not also with Him graciously give us all things?"
May whoever reads this have renewed trust and hope in the Lord...not because your life is easy, and not because you have everything you think you deserve. Instead, trust in the eternal hope that the Lord has promised us. Yes, this life on earth is filled with suffering, death, and trials...that is the result of sin. But for the one who believes there is hope! Revelation 21:
"And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. 4 He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.”5 And he who was seated on the throne said, “Behold, I am making all things new.” Also he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.”"
Amen! Come Lord Jesus!
Re-reading this, it reminds me of a post I wrote 3 years ago.
4 comments:
Hey Kristen, welcome to parenthood! It seems MY life has been nothing but not what I thought since the first time we conceived, then again and again not when WE had planned. So great to know that God is in control and we are not!! And...even though you'll go back to school, you'll have the summer off right?
Shelly, yes I will have to go back for about 7 or 8 weeks and then be off for the summer with our son. We haven't decided what we are going to do as far as me working next year yet. I love reading your blog, keep posting!
Loved this post and seeing how far the Lord has brought your heart even in just a short few weeks! It will all be worth it when you see little Drew for the first time! =)
I'm not sure if you remember me or not, but Owen was one of our students a couple of years ago and you mentioned your blog to me so I put it in my Google Reader and have lurked ever since :).
I just wanted to offer my congratulations and encouragement. I found out that I was pregnant with Owen on a Thursday (I had no idea I was pregnant - just went to my annual exam and found out there) and I was spotting a lot and they thought that I would miscarry him. I was very overwhelmed on the following Sunday that verse was in our church bulletin. At that moment I realized how I was not at all in control. It was such a blessing to learn this with my first child.
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